October 6, 2014

Monday Five's - Books aren't movies so how about a potty break?

If you thought that the need of not having to reload a gun in a shoot-out or a steel bladder that seemingly never needs to be emptied is something that can only be encountered in movies, you'd be wrong. Granted, it does not always add to the narrative flow, at least not the whole bladder-relieving scenario, but still, there are a select few situations that, in my humble opinion, at least deserve a short mention. Why? Let's just say the bonding with a character goes down much more smoothly if (s)he needs to pee. So, if you're an author, heed my words!


I
Using the bathroom
Brushing of teeth and taking a shower is just for show. I want those pants pulled down and skirts lifted up. Now get your mind out of the gutter (or jump straight to No. III), because I'm referring to using the toilet for more than just sitting on it typing a text-message on a cell-phone. Let 'em pee! Let 'em take a dump! A desperate hunt for a toilet while being chased by rabid bunnies? Now we're talking!

II
Menstruating
Don't just let our heroines be PMSing for half a sentence, instead give them cramps and the whole enchilada. And don't be shy, you may stretch this out over a page or two. Seriously, I want bloodshed, but without an ax murderer or zombies being the responsible parties. So, bring on the tampons and hot-water bottle!

III
Picture perfect sex
Escapism is all well and good, but a little bit of realism doesn't hurt. Maybe it's just me, but I like my sex scenes to be bordering on awkward, maybe with a brushstroke of silly, because (again) this makes it all a tad more, well, realistic. And sometimes no orgasm can be (literary speaking) a whole lot better than multiple ones. Just sayin'!

IV
Food junkies
Eating is a good thing and I'm all for fictional folks keeping up their strength by filling their tummies! Strangely though, some will treat their glass of wine or slice of cake like an orgasmic experience. Not just once, but in every single chapter. At length.* Food porn much? Maybe this is the next new thing and I'm just plain clueless.

V
Anthropomorphic pets
The dog cuddling up to a character when they're sad? Perfectly ok. The cat meowing her assent to the outfit a character plans to wear? Yeah, right. I know we all like to think our pets are more than what meets the eye, but they shouldn't lead whole conversations with humans unless it's a fantasy novel or some such. Let pets be pets!

*Come to think of it - if you cut down on the food intake, there'd be more time for the whole taking-it-back-out again, right?

Do you ever get annoyed about the somewhat diffused view on people's lives in books (or movies)? Do you share any of the listed pet peeves with me? Or is there anything you'd like to add? Please share.

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